


New Management

by boothnat



Series: The Doomtaker [1]
Category: Doom (Video Games), Helltaker
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Fluff and Humor, Focus on Helltaker Characters, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:47:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24365296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boothnat/pseuds/boothnat
Summary: The Doom Slayer is the next intruder to arrive in hell. Unfortunately, the Helltaker and his harem's reaction is too little, too late.This story mostly focuses on the cast of Helltaker.
Relationships: Helltaker/Harem
Series: The Doomtaker [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1763911
Comments: 15
Kudos: 136





	1. Chapter 1

“But mistress, the thralls can’t stop him!”

“It is one. Man. You lot have access to my entire army. Deal with it.”

She hung up, and shoved the phone back in her pocket. Lucifer turned back to the Helltaker with a grimace.

“Now, you were saying?”

The man nodded stiffly.

“Right, for the perfect chocolate pancake, the ratio is one of the most important-“

They had to cook for twelve. She didn’t have the time for some intruder the armies of hell could assuredly deal with.

__

Patience glared at the phone. He hadn’t expected Lucifer to actually come back and help, but-

“Oh, _wonderful_.”

She probably thought it was nothing important. Just one more intruder- if they lasted longer than her new boy-toy, maybe they’d be worth the attention. She just didn’t seem to care anymore!

He probably should have told her the guy had already wiped out half of hell’s thralls already. Sure, they’d be back, but-

“Mike.”

The Skeleton turned to him. Mike was a damn good thrall. Had jogged every morning when he was alive. He’d adapted really well to being a part of Hell’s undead legions, was a real expert at standing around and looking intimidating.

“How long do we have?”

Mike lifted a single finger- only for his entire left arm to be taken off at the shoulder as Patience’s office door rammed through the left side of his torso, the obsidian door finding no resistance in the skeleton.

“Look.” Patience said to the intruder, grumpily, adjusting his suit. “If you would just calm-“

Unfortunately, diplomacy didn’t work. Ah well, Patience thought, as he stared at the fist sticking through his torso. Maybe this would cause Hell to rethink its policies on intruders- the Helltaker had been enough of a nuisance- but this one was in a league of his own.

Sure, he would come back to Un-life, and a new body would get put together for Mike and all the other thralls eventually, but the paperwork. Oh Hell, the paperwork.

Well, at least now it was somebody else’s-

And then, the intruder’s arm-blade sliced his head in half.

__

The rounds were routine by now. Justice cheerfully accepted a pancake, giving him a cheerful little wave, Modeus barely reacted, not even looking up from the latest bit of smut she’d found- somewhere, just giving him a slight nod. Pandemonica judged his coffee and found it passable. He’d learned quick after the first broken toe, and Malina popped in to grab hers before heading back upstairs to get back to browsing Steam for something turn based that had co-op.

Zdrada wasn’t in, but he knew she would want a pancake. He appreciated that she’d started smoking outside- though that probably was less out of concern for his feelings and more because Lucifer had threatened to rip out her intestines.

Judgement and the cops were cheerfully debating methods of punishment and accepted their plates, and Cerberus was hiding- somewhere. Another batch of pancakes to leave on the table then.

Who else- right. One went under the table, where it was accepted by a pair of quivering hands. Azazel softly thanked him before retreating to her stack of books and writing instruments. The last pancake went through the void portal of infinite blackness floating idly next to the carpet. It emitted a squeal of delight

Well, with that done, he could finally-

“Helltaker.”

Oh no. He turned. He had applied the obscene amount of Nutella Lucifer expected, the whole banana sliced just the way she preferred, and made the mix a whole six feet away from her, so why-

“We need to talk.”

His right shoulder stung horribly, all of a sudden.

__

“I must return to Hell.”

The Helltaker blinked. Well. That was- surprising. But he would be a shitty person if he didn’t respect the wishes of the girls in his harem.

“I am sorry to hear that. I will pack pancakes for you. I will try to visit, and I am sorry you found your time here unpleasant-“

She blinked. “What? No. This isn’t about that. Something has come up.” A malicious grin spread across her face. “Though of course, I would expect chocolate-banana pancakes on my return. That is only natural. Why, I might be unwilling to return, otherwise~”

The Helltaker let out a sigh. He knew what this went. “Course. What’s happening, though?”

“Another human is intruding into hell. Though this one doesn’t seem to want a harem.” She snorted. “Just mass murder. And you apes call us the evil ones!”

He ignored the throbbing in his shoulder.

“Right.” He answered.

“Of course, Judgement will need to come too. It is, after all, a part of her duties-“

The Helltaker scratched at his chin, thoughtfully. “Azazel would probably want to see how demons normally deal with intruders, honestly. If the guy’s as bad as you say, might be a fun trip-“

“Oh, of course, bring the whole harem along to face the mass murderer. How brave.” She drawled.

“Aren’t you all immortal?” he fired back.

She snorted. “Fine. Azazel can come- but I am _not_ having everyone in this house coming along for this! Azazel is a liability as is-” even as the Helltaker rolled his eyes and mouthed the word ‘immortal’, “And I need a break from being surrounded by people, and getting stress relief by murdering the person messing with my empire is the perfect way to do that.”

Huh. Made sense. Even he got tired of explaining things to the cops. But leaving the house to the others?

Eh, Justice was pretty responsible. With her in charge, what could possibly go wrong? As a harem protagonist, it was his duty to help these fine demon-ladies in their time of need.

“Perfect. With all of us, we should be back before dinner, but with some effort, I’m sure we can make it back by the weekend.” Lucifer said, a smug grin on her face. He had said that out loud, hadn’t he?

Ah well, he was the guy who invaded hell to get a harem. Shame was a foreign concept.

She nodded. “We leave after lunch.”

__

“I swear, I leave the gates for one month- one month, and disgusting humans decide to just walk in! Again!”

But he was a human, and she- had actually enjoyed the entire suffering routine.  
Yeah, she totally got off on that stuff. She was probably happy that she had somebody new to punish.

Of course, he wasn’t going to say that, because while the Helltaker was many things- insane, overly horny, an all-around badass- but he wasn’t suicidal.

Yeah, as angry as she was acting, she definitely had a hint of glee in her voice.

“Well, we’ll be dealing with him. No need to get too excited in the van.” Said the Helltaker.

“…Right.”

It really was a long ride. The last time he’d gone down this road, he’d been risking it all, facing almost certain death. It had been totally fuckin worth.

Then, in the distance, he saw-

“Huh. Smoke. Wonder what that’s about.”

And then suddenly, his head was smashed into the driver-side window as Lucifer furiously stared out. “What?! What is that _filth_ doing in my domain?!?” He frantically scrambled to regain control, only for him to be tossed out of the chair as Lucifer took control. “We’ve been taking it far too slow. The speed limit can go straight to hell!” She roared.

__

“Look, officer-“ started the Helltaker.

“Don’t ‘look, officer’ me! The hell was that driving supposed to be? I’ve seen blind ninety year olds that could do better! You might be a damn good cook, but I’m not going to stick up for you when you kill somebody with that bloody M1 Abrams you call a van!”

“It’s just-“ and yet, the dark skinned cop who had been eating pancakes just earlier that day didn’t let him continue.

“And why is there smoke? Don’t tell me you people set the forest on fire!”

The Helltaker was a bit busy ensuring Lucifer didn’t rip the officer’s throat out, and Judgement was bit busy trying to wake up the catatonic Azazel. Lucifer’s driving wasn’t really that bad. She’d only smashed through what- five trees, a stop sign, and a fence? Nothing unacceptable. He’d done similar in his terrorist fighting days.

“It’s just-“

“Why is that girl unconscious?”

He gulped.

__

Despite her claims otherwise, the officer had been dissuaded by promises of chocolate pancakes and them absolutely, totally, pinky-promise, never driving like that, ever again.

The van was still functional, surprisingly enough. Just needed a few dents to be hammered out when he got home. Seemed like the plating he’d added after that run-in with the time-travelling android had been worth it.

As for the ladies-

“You should have let me kill her.” Grumbled Lucifer.

“Note-to-self, telling the truth is punishable by death in hell…” Muttered Azazel.

“Oh, I heard that, you little shit!”

The Helltaker wiped the sweat off his face. Why had he thought this would be a nice, relaxing holiday? Things were probably more peaceful back home.

__

“We’re really sorry!” Howled Cerberus.

Zdrada shrugged, casually flicking her cigarette into the gutter as her sister sobbed about the destruction of her pee-see or some shit. “Eh, he can fuckin deal. Dude’s loaded, anyway.”

At least the garage was still intact- no. There it went. Damn, that was where she’d hidden the vodka.

“Yo.” Said Justice. “Called the fire department. They’ll be over in ten.”

There was a horrific crashing sound. “Might be a bit too late, huh.”

__

The Gates Of Hell were broken.

It wasn’t like when he’d forced his way in and out- there was just. A big hole. Where the gates should have been.

Judgement was gritting her teeth in barely restrained fury. The Helltaker was worried- it had taken a lot out of him to push those gates open, and for somebody to just smash them entirely-

“I... Did not expect this.” Admitted Lucifer.

“I thought you knew what was going on?” asked the Helltaker.

“Eh. I didn’t bother listening to Patience when he called the first time. It was just one man, after all. I only decided to come because he isn’t answering my calls anymore.”

“Oh.”

Azazel stared at the doors. “Huh. In ‘The Portals between Realms’, professor Noah Fence says that the Pearly Gates and the Gateway to Hell are bound by contractual magic so strong, no physical force can even scratch them. Opening them when they aren’t supposed to be opened requires absurd amounts of will-“The Helltaker grinned. “And damaging them requires several times that, and a massive amount of force.”

Oh.

“Who goes- Lucifer, is that you?”

The voice was that of an impeccably dressed demon-man, pale, with black ram’s horns.

Lucifer turned, quickly. “Patience? What are you doing here?”

“The Boss has me posted at the gates, to tell him whenever somebody comes in.”

“The Boss?” Her eyebrow twitched. “I’m your boss. What do you mean- _him?_ You can’t possibly mean-“

“Well.” Explained the demon. “It turns out it was bit of a misunderstanding. He thought we were a different kind of demons, and we thought that if we threw enough bodies at him, we’d be able to get rid of him. Well, he killed everyone in hell a few times, and then. Well. He made some convincing arguments.”

Lucifer gaped. “You- what?!”

“Disloyalty… Endemic in demon society…” Azazel nibbled on her pen. “Demons all hate each other? No, Justice is cool. Demons mostly all hate each other.”

“Well, it’s quite simple really.” Explained Patience. “Did you really expect all of hell to remain loyal when you ran off with your gigolo?”

The Helltaker coughed.

“Quiet, you.” Grumbled the demon. “And besi- hck”

Judgement, silent till now, grabbed him by the suit, and roared. “HE SMASHED MY GATES!”

“Look.” Grumbled Patience. “You never even wanted to be High Prosecutor. Why are _you_ so angry?”

“THAT ISN’T THE POINT!” Roared Judgement. “Besides.” She went on. “It was starting to get fun towards the end, I guess.”

“Well, now there is no more High Prosecutor, and the giant conveyor belt of endless torture has been shut down. You’ll have to get your rocks off elsewhere, I’m afraid.”

The Helltaker didn’t really mind that too much. Sure, he’d found one of the glorious members of his harem there- but he did wince every time he saw a chain, even now. He didn’t regret going through it, but it wasn’t fun by any means.

“Take me to this usurper.” Growled Lucifer, as Judgement heatedly sputtered denials. “And we’ll see exactly who the boss around here is!”

“Oh, fine.” Grumbled Patience. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Well, I didn’t, but that was because you hung up on me and then my phone got smashed. Some boss you are. There never was any good communication in this organization, despite the changes I tried to bring about, but now-”

“Judgement, dear.” Gritted out the ex-Queen of Hell. “Smash the traitor’s face in, please.”

“I’d say I don’t want to do this- but that would be a lie.” Came the answer.

“Really?” Patience asked. “Senseless violence? How authoritarian. Really showcases the problems this regime had-”

__

Hm. Hell had changed, a bit.

The Thralls were still there, wordlessly suffering through being smashed into walls by passers-by, the random spike traps were around, of course, as were the blocks just lying around willy-nilly. It was a lot more- peaceful, though. Maybe it was because he was entering alongside the Underworld’s rightful owner, but the drain on his will was much less than it had been when he first entered. Without meeting all the lovely ladies of hell, he wouldn’t have been able to carry on, but now- Hell just wasn’t Hostile, anymore.

“It seems that Hell no longer drains will!” Azazel piped up. “How odd! Last time I was here I had to keep thinking about my thesis to not get turned to ash, but it seems Beezlebub’s curse has weakened considerably-“

“It’s _gone._ ” Hissed Lucifer.

“Huh.” Said Judgement. “That was kinda the only thing keeping Hell secure. Without it, it’s a matter of time before-“

“This _usurper!_ ” Lucifer continued. “Might just have doomed Hell! That curse maintained the equilibrium! Do you know how many Blood Rituals we had to do back in the day for that? We had to slaughter _thousands_ of humans, back when a thousand humans disappearing was actually a sizeable portion of the population!”

Huh. He did occasionally get reminded that he was living with horrific demons. Usually when Pandemonica snapped his pinkie bones, admittedly, but also when Lucifer started talking about anything from more than a couple hundred years ago.

The throne room- that had seen some changes. The endless queue was gone. And- well.

The chair was empty. The two gigantic guards that had earlier flanked Lucifer when she reigned over hell were now playing cards in a corner. And the throne lay vacant. And on the grand table where Lucifer had sat- there was a button.

One which Patience promptly pressed.

And after a resounding *click*, there was complete and utter silence.

Lucifer let out a little cough.

“Wait a bit, it takes time-“ Patience began, only to be cut short as an odd patch of blue light materialised, floating above Hell’s throne, rapidly consolidating into a blue circle orbited by blue bars. And then, the circle spoke, in a pleasant, slightly synthetic, male voice-

“Greetings. I am VEGA, also known as The Father. I am the artificial intelligence currently in charge of hell. How may I assist you today?”

 _Huh._ Thought the Helltaker. _Definitely more polite than Lucifer was._ _Way less hot, though._

Another thought that went through his head was. _Wait, he’s known as The Daddy? Forward, but ok._

Lucifer did, however, seem a bit- no, very, irritated. She turned on Patience, her face red with fury- “YOU REPLACED ME WITH A COMPUTER?”

“Eh.” Patience shrugged. “For a man-made unholy abomination, he is a very effective leader. His implementation of reformation courses, withdrawal of the more-than-you can eat buffet, removal of the air conditioning down in the ninth circle, and implementation of Cloud Computing, Blockchain, and Optical Character Recognition have considerably reduced our workload and greatly reduced stress on the budget for the next few years.”

Lucifer’s mouth opened and closed a few times before she was finally able to speak. “We have a budget?”

“Well.” He answered, smugly. “VEGA implemented one, and said that the previous administration must have been staffed by a bunch of brain-dead morons-“

“There is no need for exaggeration.” Piped up the blue ball of light. “I merely described such an attitude towards finance as irresponsible and irrational.”

“But- this, what- this is Hell! You can’t just- We don’t have a currency! You can’t just pull the air conditioning from- you can’t just remove the ice magic from the Ninth Circle, that’s the entire point of-“

“Oh, right.” Added Patience. “We’re clearing out the lower circles, moving everyone into the First, and funding mental health institutions and better entertainment for the humans down there. We plan on exploiting the workforce-“

“Yo.” Said Judgement. “I was the High Prosecutor under Lucifer, am I fired now?”

VEGA answered, not skipping a beat-“While that post has been dissolved, we would be willing to discuss employing you, and may be willing to negotiate covering travel expenses.”

“Sounds good.” She answered. “The old job did kinda grow on me-“

“YOU CAN’T JUST TAKE OVER HELL!” Screeched Lucifer. “I WORK FOR YOU INGRATES FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS, NONE OF YOU EVER FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS FROM THE ACTUAL QUEEN OF HELL” Judgement averted her eyes, a bit embarrassed, on hearing that. “AND NOW YOU JUST LET A COMPUTER TAKE MY JOB WHEN I GO FOR ONE LITTLE VACATION-“

The Helltaker looked over to Azazel, who was- of course she was frantically taking notes. He hadn’t expected anything else.

“OH, I SEE _YOU_ AVERTING YOUR EYES, PROSECUTOR! YOU AREN’T EVEN GOING TO FIGHT IT, ARE YOU? FIRST YOU TRY TO ETERNALLY PUNISH MY MAN, AND NOW YOU PLAN ON WORKING FOR THE CIRCUIT BOARD THAT TOOK OVER WHILE I WAS GONE FOR LESS THAN A FUCKING YEAR?”

“Look-“ Judgement tried to start. But Lucifer wasn’t having it.

“WELL I’M NOT HAVING IT! FINE! DEAL WITH THE ETERNAL WAR WITH HEAVEN YOURSELF! I QUIT!”

“But the commandments-“ Judgement tried to answer.

“Oh right, _dear_. You’d be the one to lecture me on duty and commandments. Aren’t you the one who said ‘nO auTHoRity sTanDs aBOvE puNiShmeNt’, then left your post the moment a good looking guy invited you to his harem, _High Prosecutor?_ ”

“YOU KNOW I DIDN’T WANT THAT JOB IN THE FIRST PLACE!” Judgement screeched.

“Was she always like this?” The Helltaker asked Patience.

He shrugged. “Honestly, I think the work has been getting to her. You can only sentence human souls to eternal damnation for so long before getting bored of your immortal life. That might be why she joined your harem, honestly- though I guess she didn’t really get to take out all her frustrations yet.”

Huh. Right. Boredom. That was what you felt after sentencing people to eternal damnation. Hm.

“My apologies.” VEGA said, his holographic voice-emitting light floating next to them. “It seems I have caused some distress.”

“Oh, do not worry about it, she is a bit high strung. You know, you’re taking this awfully calmly.” Said the Helltaker. “Aren’t you worried she will try to kill you?”

“My body is not present here. There is no way I can be threatened. And should she cause disturbances, the Doom Slayer will deal with it.”

“The Doom Slayer?”

“He will likely not be showing up unless necessary. At present, he is attempting to negotiate better living and post-living conditions for humans with the Heavens, while The Ritual Demon works on getting him a portal to our Universe’s hell.”

‘Their’ universe. Interdimensional travel? Sure. Why not. “And why does he want to go back there? Our hell not good enough?” Asked the Helltaker.

“The Doom Slayer is on an eternal quest to slaughter every demon in ‘our’ Hell.” Answered VEGA. “He wishes to continue his eternal crusade, but while here, he will be working to improve the status of humans.”

“You know, I think I am fine with our hell not being good enough for him.”

__

“That was a bit anticlimactic.” Admitted the Helltaker.

“What are you talking about?” Asked Azazel. “Hell has gone through a massive leadership and policy change, and I was there to study it right after the fact! And Mister VEGA was nice enough to give me notes!”

Azazel was probably the only one who could be pleased by ending a trip to hell with study material.

Lucifer had clammed up after meeting VEGA. Demons generally hated each other- and being replaced when that technically went against extremely unholy laws probably meant talking to her would result in her turning his flesh into pickles.

She’d been like that before, when one of Cerberus had torn her cooking apron. Pancakes fixed everything, and considering how readily she’d agreed to come with him, she probably wasn’t that attached to her old job. She’d cool off- eventually.

He’d have to help Judgement figure out how to use regular human taxi services without trying to murder anyone, so she could get to her new job, and-

Oh, his house had burned down.

He pushed his sunglasses down, staring over them at the intensely sweating Cerberus, receiving an enthusiastic thumbs up from Justice.

“We’re really, really sorry.”

__


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eh, felt like adding a small amount to the story.

“Are you having trouble getting it-“

*Click*

“If you or a love one has been diagnosed-“

*Click*

“The country reels in shock after ‘God’-“

*Click*

“Why was she wearing that? Do the Heavens plan to declare-“

*Click*

“Who is the Green Golem who accompanied God? Viewers sent us their-“

*Click*

“ _Oh My Girl_ ~”

Cerberus grinned as she lounged on the sofa, her eyes- all six of them, locked on the television.

“You do realise.” The Helltaker said, politely. “That you can just enter the number of the channel on the remote, instead of flipping through every channel in existence?”

“Uh-huh.” Came the reply.

She wasn’t listening, was she? What had all that about God been?  
Eh, probably just a joke.

“Pancakes?”

“Uh-huh.”

“It’s insane. Some weirdo shows up in a military costume emanating ‘holy light’, and suddenly everyone believes in angels!” Officer Ashley Jones, now a regular guest at the Helltaker’s residence, let out a snort, shoving a piece of pancake into her mouth. Her subordinate, Sam, the redhead who was a little too attached to her assault rifle, was hooked on the massive television the Helltaker had bought to replace the one lost in the fire, sitting right next to Cerberus ”What’s next, actual Demons coming out of Hell? Give me a break.”

“Right.” Judgement said, with a cough. “That-that would be absurd!”

“Totally.”, Justice agreed.

__

“Helltaker!”

For half a moment, the Helltaker thought that he was hearing things, but no. That was Azazel. Distressed. Incredibly so! The last time she’d been so upset, it was when Malina had killed a rabbit in a video game, so hopefully, this was just as petty-

“Heaven has been invaded!” She cried.

Oh no. This sounded awfully familiar.

“A single human-“

“Nope.” Answered the Helltaker. “You remember what happened last time, I had to buy three tubs of ice cream to get Lucifer to calm down and had to spend a third of the money I got from saving the world from Nuclear War on a new house.”

Though he had to admit that the automatic coffee machine with the in-built scheduling system was a godsend for avoiding broken fingers.

“But..”

“No buts.” He wouldn’t be swayed on this. He was resolute this time, he’d had to listen to two ladies screaming their heads off for hours after his last trip.

In a low, sad voice, she said “I just want to learn about what happened…”.

___

The Helltaker felt the frown on his face grow even deeper as he gazed upon the massive Pearly gates, and their guardian, who looked like he had seen better days.

Saint Peter’s eyes were glazed over, his eyes focused on something thousands of miles away, as the horde of reporters continued to ask questions. His once-resplendent armor was covered in hastily hammered-out dents, and his sword was noticeably bent.

Lucifer had refused to come along because of the whole being the ex-queen of hell thing. Judgement hadn’t wanted to come along either for similar reasons, but Justice had been curious about the bullying of the heavens, and the empty portal of infinite blackness had come along because-

Wait.

“Beelzebub?”

The portal quivered, the voice of the Sovereign of Pestilence, the Warden of Decay, the Mistress of Flies, answered-

“Greetings, little ones.”

The Helltaker blinked. “Why is your one-way banishment spell here?”

“Well, mostly because it isn’t one way anymore.” The abomination answered, as it slipped out of the unholy portal, its disgusting body, covered in holes and weeping sores, its winged ragged-

No, wait, it was a cute girl in a red suit. “Man, travelling through VEGA’s portals is _not_ fun.” She said.

Azazel dropped her notebook.

“The fuck?” Blurted out Justice. “How did you get out?!”

“Nice to see you again too, High Prosecutor.” Answered Beelzebub, wiggling her hands noncommittally. “The Doom Slayer.The portals he uses weakened the fabric of abyss as a side effect. So it wasn’t really ‘letting me out’, more he trashed my prison by accident. Of course, I tried to resume my rebellion, but then he shot me in the head a few times, so-.” She shrugged. “I work for him now.”

“You? Working for someone?” Justice snorted. “I’ll believe it when I _see_ it.”

“Look.” Beelzebub said. “I would be totally willing to stab him in the back, but I’m pretty sure that sword he carries around could permanently kill even a demon like me and he _might_ decide to use if I make him angry enough.”

“Well, this will make pancake rounds easier.” The Helltaker said.

“I know, right?” she agreed. “Even with all the practice, the occasional plate did end up falling for eternity. It sucked. Those are some damn good pancakes.”

“But Miss Beelzebub, why are you here, specifically? What is the reason behind you coming to heaven?” asked Azazel, her pencil hovering over her little notepad.

“Need to meet with some angels to talk about some boring bullshit for VEGA.” She answered. “I think he is trying to show off- ‘look, the Slayer has The Queen Crimson working for him, do not fuck with him’.” She snorted, “Like they need that warning.”

They heard a cough- somehow sounding like it was from right next to them. And yet, when they turned- Saint Peter remained at his post at the Gates, the only change being that he had affixed their group with a glare.

“Right.” Said the Helltaker. “We should probably head in.”

__

The sound of the journalists who hadn’t yet given up and decided to go home was muted, despite the uproar they made on seeing somebody actually be called over to the Pearly Gates.

“Azazel. How dare you associate with such filth?”

Justice lowered her sunglasses. “Now now, no need to be mean. I’m sure Beel’s had a bath at least once in the last couple millennia-”

The imposing saint resolutely ignored her, and glared at the suddenly very nervous angel. “Your soul is tainted by sin. You have partaken in heretical acts, and consorted with-“

“Oh, that is amazing and everything.” Beelzebub chipped in, waving a letter around. “But _I_ am here representing VEGA, who works with the Slayer, and these guys are with me!“

All the blood drained out of the saint’s face. He snatched the letter out of her hands, glaring at her and after a brief examination of the seal-

Silently opened the gates and moved to the side.

“I know, right?” Beelzebub said. “That guy is terrifying. Come!” She said, a grin on her face, as she cheerfully walked through the Holy Gates.

And as he crossed the threshold, the world shifted, and the Helltaker laid his eyes upon Heaven.

And man, it was trashed.

The streets of gold weren’t in a good state. At all. The buildings looked like a strong gust of wind would be a mortal threat to them. It was like a lunatic with a flamethrower and a bag of grenades had gone through the place. Dried golden ichor was still splattered around.

“Yeah.” Beelzebub said. “Talks broke down apparently. God was a bit offended at the Doom Slayer messing with the pacts.” She snorted.

Justice let out a low whistle. “Doesn’t mess around, does he?”

“Oh Heavens.” Azazel said, water brimming in her eyes. “They hate me. Peter won’t let me in. I’ll never be allowed back into heaven! I knew I had gone too far-”

“Nah.” Justice answered. “I’m sure that most of the angels and saints don’t have sticks up their asses.”

“Yes.” Added Beelzebub. “Even way back before my exile, Peter was _so_ _boring_. I swear, if you put him and Lucifer in a room, they’d either kill each other or end up fucking.”

Azazel blanched, but Justice nodded thoughtfully. The Helltaker patted the angel on the back sympathetically. She really was too innocent.

“A-anyway. T-thank you for getting me in.” Azazel stammered out. “Aw.” Answered Beelzebub. “It was nothing. Besides, I didn’t do it for you, I did it for the pancakes!” She said, cheerfully.

The Helltaker let out a sigh.

“Thank you, regardless.” Azazel continued.

“Oh, it really is fine-“

“So Beel, what does Big, quiet, and Green actually make you do? Can’t be engaging in diplomacy all the time.” Justice asked.

“Oh, he’s having me work on some diseases. “ She answered. “Bit odd, really. He’s got some really aggressive demons I’ve never seen before, wants me to make something that will allow him to wipe out their entire species.” She smiled. “It is nice to work on my specialty.”

“You are working on biological weapons?” The Helltaker asked, suddenly nervous.

“Oh, it is fine. He has a giant Fortress in space. The stuff I am working on up there probably will not spread to humanity from there. Hopefully. Probably.”

“I. See.” Choked out the Helltaker. “I suppose we will be parting ways for now. Got work to do.”

“Sure, sure.” Answered Beelzebub, as she started walking towards the great spire, seemingly hundreds of miles away. “I will be over for pancakes, of course!”

Was the Helltaker willing to let the Avatar of Disease to come to his house, to join, hopefully, his Harem? To eat his assorted extremely sweet baked goods?

“I look forward to it.” He said, with a grin. Then almost as an afterthought, he called out “But no bioweapons in the house!”

Beelzebub looked over her shoulder with a grin. “No promises!”

“Man.” Justice muttered, as Beelzebub left. “Lucifer is going to be pissed when she show up.”

The Helltaker choked. “We-we need to get Azazel’s investigation done, and get back as fast as possible.”

Justice snorted. “What, not going to go for some more angel babes for the harem?”

__

“Oh, if that stupid green man-child thinks releasing the most dangerous, disgusting, _pathetic,_ traitor in hell’s history is a good idea, who am I to correct him? It isn’t like I am the Queen of Hell or anything.” Lucifer snarled, stabbing straight through the Tiramisu and cracking the plate it was on.

“Ex-Queen, Lucy.” Reminded Beelzebub with a snicker. “Wow, this is great! I mean, I still prefer the pancakes, being the first thing you eat after a thousand years may create some bias, but this is sooo good!”

The Helltaker cracked a small grin. “Thank you. Took a lot of work to make, I am glad you like it.”

“You can’t just change the shub-“Grumbled Lucifer, only to pause as she actually shoved the fork in her mouth. “Yeah. This is great.” The Helltaker smiled. “I’ll show you how to make it later.”

“Ah well.” Beelzebub cheerfully declared. “Some of us have actual work to do, so thank you for the _amazing_ food, Helltaker, I will be taking my leave now. Bye Lucy!”  
With that parting remark, the portal closed, taking Beelzebub with it, and revealing Lucifer’s fork, that had narrowly missed her head and was now deeply embedded into the dining room wall.

“There there,” The Helltaker said, patting Lucifer on the back. “You’ve been working for millennia- you deserve a little break.”

“ _You’re goddamn right I do!”_ She hissed. “What kind of _rat bastard_ would willingly free that bitch from her exile?”

“Well.” The Helltaker answered. “I hear it was an accident, and he shot the shit out of her before she started working for him, so…”

“Ah.” She said, a smile on her face as she took another bite of the Tiramisu. “Evoking the image of Beelzebub’s bullet ridden corpse? You really do know how to cheer a lady up.”

He smiled awkwardly. “I aim to please.”

__  
  
“So did we actually learn about what happened up there?” Asked the Helltaker.

“No!” Azazel frowned. “Nobody wanted to talk about it. It was like they were all scared or something! Even my professor told me it was better not to know! Nobody wants to explain anything," And mid-complaint, her eyes narrowed,"Justice still will not tell me what was so funny about me saying you two should get coffee!”

_Aw, thanks Azzy, me and the big guy will just find Heaven’s seediest motel and get some coffee while we wait, no need to worry about us!_

Could he ruin this poor, innocent angel’s few remaining shreds of innocence?

“Oh, nothing important. Do not worry about it.” Quickly changing tacks, he asked “How did it go?” While Azazel frowned at the dismissal, she perked up at the reminder of her academics.

“My presentation on Modern Sin got an A! The professors were really impressed by my first-hand experience and the mix of anecdotes and statistical proof!”

“Wonderful.” The Helltaker said, and he meant it too. He knew how much her studies meant to Azazel. “I’m glad to see that you did not get in too much trouble for living here.”

“Beelzebub was right! Nobody really cares about the Heresy thing. S-saint Michael even asked me if I had slept with any cute demon girls…” Her face turned red.

“Did you say yes?” Asked the Helltaker, a grin on his face. “Because the things you and Modeus get up to-“

She let out a whine, and buried her face in her hands. The Helltaker grinned. Despite all the trouble it brought, despite the agony- it was all worth it, in the end. He let out a low laugh, and gave the adorable little angel a hug.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I currently don't have any plans to add any more to the story, but it is possible there will be a third chapter. I hope you enjoyed this too.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this as a one-shot, and had quite a lot of fun writing it. I hope some of you enjoyed reading it, too!


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